Until it happens to you…

When I was young and dumb… I wouldn’t necessarily say dumb but ignorant to many things and a bit naive… I would judge single mothers. I did not understand ANYTHING about the reality of life or relationships or the possible aftermath of one. Who would want to be a single mother? Why would you want that? What did they do for the child’s father to not love them enough or love their child enough? What did they do to make him leave? How could they fall for someone’s BS if that was the case? I now over-stand that a situation can not be fully understood unless it is experienced. Understanding that while women are often harshly judged in those ways that none of them are truth. It is not often that someone wants to be single and raise a child, but sacrifice and do what they must to make the best of a not so great situation. There is NO WAY to control the actions or will of another and that should never be taken on as a weight, responsibility or a reflection.

And then…
It happened to me.

I ran back into my high school crush.
He was older than me and I thought out of my league. (So I thought)
So very handsome and so charming at the highest level.
Which truly showed how I did not value myself enough.

We had always been friends. When I was young we would always converse. He’d stop and visit me and we would talk about any and everything. But interest? Not in me… I was just a kid.

Fast forward to my 30’s… Beautiful and accomplished.
And interested in me he now was.
A single father of twins. He wanted to start his life again.
So interested in fact that we began dating and he confessed his love and intentions of marriage.
So interested that he wanted to have a child together to consummate our relationship.
In LOVE I was and I relinquished control and let him lead. I was submissive and allowed the interactions of procreation.

And then…

It hit the fan.
He introduced me to a daughter he had not told me about. My shocked and surprised reaction that I could not quite control later caused anger, name calling, and silent treatment.
And this became the norm. Anger, name calling, abandonment.

I later found out of a girl he was also messing with. In my confrontation of that I finally found out he was also in fact legally married and had other children.

After the pain and disappointment of this revelation I found out that I was pregnant.

Excuses and explanations… Lies and denial.
He named our son… The meaning… “Joined as in married”… A biblical name.

And the outcome of this situation… I truly learned to grow into what I was meant to be. A strong, beautiful, wise, compassionate, nurturing woman.
I learned not to judge. As I could end up in the same situation I judged others for.
I learned to try to understand with compassion without having to experience.
I learned that love meant sacrifice. I’d sacrificed my old career and life for my new life I now had.
I learned that letting go is blessing the other person to live their life. With you or not.
I learned that life not going how I planned or thought does not mean it is not going how God planned. As God has a plan for everything to work out for good. And his plan is much better than any I could have as his ways and thoughts are higher than my own.
My child, who’s the absolute light of my life, is solely cared for by me. And much sacrifice I make to accomplish that.
My career has skyrocketed and I am working in my purpose.
I began 2 businesses of my own which continuously grow and are a blessing daily.
And he… I set him free with a pure heart to go and do and become what he is destined to. With forgiveness, grace and true agape love. One day as we meet again in life I hope change and growth for him will be apparent.

God works in mysterious ways and each experience in your life brings you closer and closer to your souls purpose. Now, still, I only understand in part. But one day, I am sure, I will fully understand why things had to happen this way.

And to you dear reader, I leave this… no matter what life throws at you. No matter what happens in your life or what you go through. Let it all make you and not break you. As that is what it is truly meant for. Every experience in your life is FOR you. To teach you and grow you.

I learned and gained not only strength mentally and emotionally but now I am no longer naive. I have acquired a great amount of discernment. I no longer wish for a person to fill a role in my life and be my all, but trust God to have that position of power and feel fulfilled within myself. I now enjoy my family and true friends and time spent with them rather than constantly searching to be fulfilled. Healthy and whole, I am stable in many ways and have finally gained a level of peace that I have never had.

The plan one has for them self and the plan God has for them and the process he brings them through to grow them may look NOTHING alike. And that is OK. It is best to accept Gods plan and work with that and not your own. God says in Isaiah 55:8-9 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” It is important to understand that there is no shame or condemnation in what one experiences in life. Everything one experiences makes them who they are. Let all things make you better and not bitter. For God declares that “we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” -Romans 8:28

So no matter what… you go be GREAT!!!!
WHATEVER hand you are dealt… WIN WITH IT!

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